March 20th -Day + 42

Ryan,

You had a great day yesterday. Your cousin Ethan came over at 10 am and stayed until 7:30 pm. You played so nicely together and it was wonderful to see you playing again and having fun.
Mommy hardly saw you. I missed it so much as we have spent the last 5 months together, but got great pleasure that you were having a nice time.

When Ethan left last night, you told me mommy he forgot the giraffe I gave him to remember me by. My heart sank. You will understand when you are older that people read into what other people say.
Something that mommy has to stop doing, as you are only three and just trying to find a way to communicate your thoughts to Daddy and I.

Daddy and I stayed up last night and asked oursleves when this journey would get better. We came up with it will never get better. November 15th was a day that changed our life forever, and now we look forward and see a life of uncertainty. If you get through this we will always wonder if your cancer will come back, and if you don't we will never get over it and we will never be the same people we once were.

I write my thoughts Ryan, so that when you are old enough to have this blog you will see what an amazing person you are. That you will understand how difficult this was for all of us and how you being sick has affected so many people. That this is just a bump in your path of life. That you are destined to do wonderful things. And that once you get through this you can look back on this and see what you have overcome. So you can see all the people that cheered you along the way and supported our family throught this difficult time.
This will make you stronger. This will make us stronger.

I also write this blog, because it is a way for mommy to cope and deal with all of this. To get my thoughts out and not to bottle them up. Mommy is so worried about you. I want you to be one of those miracle stories that we always hear about in the news. I am worried about your daddy and your sisters aswell. Ally is so young and will probably not remember alot of this. Kayla understands most of it and has her sad days, and I know that Daddy has his quiet moments away from us all. He is doing a great job of being so strong and holding it all together. But I know he is hurting just like the rest of us.

The basement is almost done. It was a work in progress and it was being done slow. Daddy and I with the advise of Grandad decided to move it along quicker, so you have a place to go as you are isolated for now. Hopefully it will be done in a few more weeks.

Ryan, I mentioned in a previous blog that I was not impressed with the cleaners that were in to reduce the amount of dust in the house. Gina called back today and they will be back next week to redo all the dusting in the house. Mommy was happy that they decided to do this. It only maked sense as it was not done properly.

You are asking for lunch now, so I will finish for today.

Love ya

Mommy