September 1st Day + 208

Ryan,

Look how far you have come, day + 208 from transplant.
You seem to be doing great! It is hard for us to know with out the fish test. But on the other hand you look great and everyone who see you says the same thing.

I was putting Ally to bed tonight, and I told her she was your Angel. She said " YEP"
I think people look at me and think that I am over the top now, Ryan. Things that I use to let go, like a cough or a sore throat or a fever in the first days, now I am on it right away, making sure that know one who has been sick or is sick comes near you. Paranoid, maybe? But better safe than sorry. I would never be able to forgive myself if you were to get sick and something happened to you because I should have been smarter. I wish I could go back to being more care free but I think this is the new me. You get upset if I tell you, that you can not go somewhere because someone is sick, but this is our new life and I know once you are old enough to understand you will thank us for keeping you so safe.

You are so carefree and I worry constantly. Remission, a word that to me is like a ticking time bomb, you never know if it will go off or just remain the same . What a way to live, in fear, every minute, every day wondering what will happen next. I try so hard to stay positive but at the same time know the reality of what we have been giving to deal with . Five years is a long time and for the next five years, life will be different. And even after that it will never be the same .
Cancer has touched us in a way that is very painful. Daddy and I have spent many night in tears, wondering why. Of course with no answer and no reason that we can think of that this has happened to you and us as a family.
We will have to re think family trips, wondering what tomorrow holds.
Each day that I have with you and Ally is a blessing and I am so very thankful for them.
What I do know, is that I love each and every day we have and will continue to enjoy our family time, I will continue to fight for you and cheer you on through each bump and each milestone you accomplish.

You have spirit and you have fight, and Ally is a fighter so together I think you guys could pretty much accomplish anything...

Love you and I hope you are amazed and have a wonderful time at Walt Disney World Florida..
You deserve it all and I know you sisters are so looking forward to this time with you ...

Mommy...
XXXXXXX